Singer, dancer, lover, fighter, Amazon Pony (U.K.)
by Richard Jaspering
Tell us about this fancy new solo album!
Um, it's the first thing I've done that anyone might know about. I used to freestyle rap on the streets with a band called Cunt Cobraz. Before that there was P.S. with two wild and beautiful 17-yr-old ladies who partied while I sang. About a year ago I played a couple shows with THE worst band in the world called Raunch Factory, in which I cried afterward because I was so embarrassed. But Misty Martinez is an Amazon Pony UK is the first thing I'm pursuing with even a little thought. There are some new wave hits, some Ozzy, some open-hearted threats…
How did you hook up with the Shave?
Weasel said, "Hey, it looks like TLASILA is touring. You wanna be in the band?" I said sure, and then he e-mailed everyone to tell them that I'm in the band now.
Do you shave?
No, I wax.
Did I shave?
Perhaps.
You should've whupped Leslie in Chicago.
Yeah, well… I just didn't want my wig to fall off. Besides, that bitch's face isn't even worth bruising my knuckles for. I did, however, throw her twin pair of panties (she and I had the same ones, but hers were dirty and much larger) out the window, and threw her shoes in the garbage in New York.
Do you write poetry or songs or anything like that?
I used to until I realized how gay I was being.
Do you use sex power for good or evil?
I don't use sex power for anything except orgasms!
What about Prince?
In the last month I've read two insane Artist interviews-he's
such a bitch! I've noticed a pattern: first he talks about movies vs. reality,
then he talks about his ex-wife, then stuff about contracts, then Larry
Graham magically appears and everyone starts jamming. My favorite thing Prince
ever said was that Mayte calmed him with these soothing words when His Majesty
was afraid of lightning/thunder storms: "But honey, the lightning is just energy
to help the cabbage grow!" I pictured rows and rows of retarded Prince-like
cabbage patch kids growing in the back yard, all with blown-out hair, intricate
facial hair designs, and the Artist symbol signed on their asses in purple ink.
I guess they really are planning to start an orphanage in Spain.
Man, that guy is TOTALLY out of control…
Tell us an animal story.
When I was in college in Missouri there was this boy
named Nick I liked to tease. I expected Nick to be at his dorm room when I wanted
him to be there, and one time he wasn't. I remembered passing an extremely dead
bird by the tennis courts, so I went back, scraped it into a trial-size Pringles
can with a stick, and put some grass on top. I was about to leave it at his
door with a message on his dry-erase board saying, "The dead bird catches no
worm" but I ran into him in the elevator. I told him I had a present for him,
so we went into the boys bathroom to open it in private. Once he popped, he
told me I was disgusting and he never wanted to see me again. The next year
when I lived in an apartment we had a Coctails in Outer Space Party (which quickly
turned into a fight/break everything/make-out party) and everyone dressed up
like fancy aliens. Nick showed up, uninvited of course. I stopped the party
dead in its tracks to ask him, "Hey did you know this is MY HOUSE, NICK?" and
then I yelled out how Nick was actually offended by my dead bird gift, and
everyone started screaming at him and threatening to beat him up! It was great!
Do you take one of those women's self-defense courses where you beat up a guy in a big helmet and yell "NO!" Or do you use street brawling techniques ie: using your fists, a chain, a board with a nail in it, or a sock with rocks/nickels/locks in it
Never taken a self-defense course, and I think I'd be the type to kick and stab/strike my foe by using any sharp or blunt, heavy object in my immediate surroundings. One day I might like to cut someone with a broken beer bottle. The only real fight I've ever been in was in 5th grade when my friend tried to pick on this new girl that all the boys liked. When the new girl was like, "Fine, let's fight," my friend backed down. So I piped up and we just started slapping each other and pulling each others' hair. The funny thing is that the new girl and I became best friends after that, and then just this year she was Miss Texas for the Miss USA Pageant.
Give noise dorks your advice on meeting women, how to treat a lady (because they do not know!)
Girls are all different, so maybe some of the things I'm saying would totally not interest another lady. If you want a girl like me, this is what you have to do:
If you just wanna get laid, give her some alcohol and/or drugs. Girls make irrational decisions when under the influence. Or at a party, tell her how bad you want to go down on her, then take her outside and lick her pussy on someone else's hot rod car. To meet a chick for more than just fornication purposes, go up and TALK TO HER about something that's not music or computer related. DO NOT offer to buy her a drink right away, and don't do the stupid no wave bullshit thing of, "Hey, I found this cracker on the ground. Do you want it?"